The new year is here and this is only my fourth blog post since the last one. My creative process changed a lot in the last twelve months, with some renewed perspectives and priorities, one of which is a return to blogging.
Since I started this particular blog two years ago, I’ve debated how to use it, which tracks. It took me a while to find the direction of my first blog too, an outfit-of-the-day style fashion blog I maintained for a couple years circa 2010 (now defunct, although you can probably find photos from it if you Google hard enough). It also feels like the time for long-form. A lot of friends are pulling away from quick-consumption apps like Instagram and sending invites to Substack feeds, and I also feel the desire for something I can sit a little longer with.
First, a quick update on my last couple posts. About a year ago, I blogged about some plans for 2024, including to significantly limit the purchasing and development costs of 35mm film, one of my two primary creative media. I started out with pretty strict maximums, but halfway through the year some circumstances changed that enabled me to loosen those limits a bit. I still bought considerably less film in 2024 than I typically would have, and subsequently shot a lot less. Having less film on-hand meant being choosier about what I spent it on, forcing me to narrow down which pictures mattered to me. I shot more rodeo than probably anything else, and a few Barbie portraits, and the best surf photos I’ve ever taken. Most excitingly, I started a rudimentary journey photographing the night sky, most of the film of which I haven’t developed yet. Heading into 2025, this curated headspace gave me insight into what projects I wanted to focus on this year.
I also realized how much time and creative energy I have spent on photography in the last few years versus my other major pursuit, writing. It isn’t as public-facing as my photographic endeavors, but I’ve been working on completing a novel for the better part of thirteen years, and have long considered it my most important project even though I pour the least amount of effort into it, year after year. It isn’t going to write itself. I think having refined (for the moment) what it is I want to do with photography has helped me reach a point where I can do less of it. I no longer feel the need to burn endless rolls of film trying to find my voice or my subject or my exposure or whatever it is I’m seeking. I’m a lifelong student, and continuously use projects in photography to teach myself something about the craft. For example, shooting fast-action rodeos in the dark has taught me a lot about my camera’s exposure settings, and my new interest in astrophotography is adding to my knowledge of how my camera processes light. But I can concentrate my efforts on projects like these in smaller doses, and get back to work on the book.
I’ve also been kicking around some ideas for some shorter pieces, creative non-fiction or memoir-style essays about my upbringing. I grew up a bit unconventionally and had some struggles of my own during adolescence, and I almost never write about any of it. Which is kind of unheard for writers, especially one like me who agrees with Nora Ephron that everything is copy. I poach personal stories from every aspect of my life to use in writing, and yet I never write about some of the most eventful parts of my early life. There is a tremendous amount of trauma wrapped up in some of that, and also some hesitation on my part to make certain parts of my life public, but I have felt closer to ready in recent months. There are stories I want to tell, stories I have held back for most of my life, and if my last blog post indicates anything, that’s not the vibe anymore.
Which brings me to my final update—gratitude. Thank you to everyone to left an encouraging comment on my post naming my abuser, and to those who sent supportive messages. I received a lot of really wonderful support from friends, family, and strangers, and not one single message of anything else. It felt incredibly freeing to tell my story. For the first time since ending that relationship, I felt like he truly could no longer hurt me. Thanks for being there for that.
I will leave you with my favorite photo of 2024, taken on Kodak T-Max 3200 35mm film at a Revenge Roughstock rodeo in Doswell, Virginia. Thank you for reading, you’re beautiful.